Being an idle sod, rather than use my brain to create a post, I am answering the questions set by Manuel lately.
Have you ever stiffed (no tip) a waiter when they deserved something? Not since I left college, I don't think. I was a waitress when I was young, and tips really are vital. So I try to make sure I leave something.
Have you ever done a runner? Um. Yes. Once. When I was a student and the guys I was out with staged a fight so they could then flee without paying in the confusion. And I legged it as well because I was too poor to pick up the whole bill.
Have you claimed that you had a booking when you didn't? No. But Mr WithaY and I once bagged a table in a v swanky restaurant in Paris because we happened to wander in off the street as the head waiter was deciding that someone with a booking wasn't going to show up. Bloody excellent meal.
Have you ever sent the wine back? No.
Have you ever told the waiter the food was really lovely but in fact you hated it but didn't want to hurt his feelings? No. But I am good at "That was an interesting thing to try" kind of euphamisms.
Have you ever flirted with the waiter? (male or female waiter) Um. Yes.
Have you ever had a glass of wine thrown over you during a lovers tiff in a restaurant? No.
Have you ever pocketed the cutlery/salt and peppers/glasses/toilet roll from the restaurant? Yes. Again, when a student. My flat's kitchen was stocked with stolen stuff from restaurants, cafes and the Union bar. And I was once part of a group who stuffed a colleague's broken arm cast with loot from a restaurant.
Have you ever swore at the waiter? No.
Do you fill in the comment card? Sometimes. If I have something to say.
Has your credit card been declined in a restaurant? No, thankfully.
Have you ever noticed lipstick on your glass, drink most of the contents then send it back and demand a fresh one? No. I send it back straight away. I don't want to catch cooties.
Have you ever asked the waiter to sell you his shirt? Ugh. No.
Have you ever fallen asleep in a restaurant? Yes. It was late, I was tired, much drink had been taken. And my bastard mates piled all the table debris around me so when I woke up it looked like I had trashed the place.
Have you ever taken part in a lewd sexual act in a restaurant, either with someone or on your own? No. Now wash your hands.
Have you ever demanded to see the chef? Not "demanded". I have asked to speak to the chef but only when something was so lovely that I wanted to find out how they'd made it. And to be fair, on each occasion the chef has come out to chat and been charming.
Have you ever over heard the waiter talking about you? Yes. In an Italian restaurant. They were most complimentary, if a little lewd. There were many expressive gestures.
Have you ever refused to pay for a meal? No.
Have you ever asked the waiter to send your compliments to the chef? Yes.
Has a waiter ever swore at you? Heh, not within earshot, no.
Have you ever completed the comment card with fake details and written "Topless waiters and free beer" in the Ideas for Improvement section? No, but I plan to as soon as I get the chance. One of my sisters once filled in a comment card with our home address but the name Hugh Janus. We got mail for him for years afterwards. Invitations to hold his birthday party there, all kinds of stuff.
Have you ever played musical chairs in a restaurant, I mean asked to move more than once? Not more than once, no.
Have you ever left a restaurant because you spotted an ex? No. I have changed seats though.
Have you ever gone to a "fancy" restaurant on your lonesome? No. Too shy and insecure to do that.
Does the waiter ever make you feel inferior? No. And if they tried to I think I would probably just laugh at them for being a twat, frankly.
Have you ever said JUICE instead of JUS? Not that I can remember. But, I daresay I have done.
Do you enjoy a lovely smoke between courses? No, never smoked.
Have you ever taken your cutlery to the bathroom to polish it? Ugh, no. If it needed cleaning I would ask for fresh stuff, not do it myself.
Have you ever complained about the waiter? Yes. When I was out with a group of girlfriends and he was really leery and creepy to the whole table all night. Not flirty, not charming, just nasty and slightly intimidating. Not good.
Have you ever enjoyed a beautiful meal whilst off your mong on class A drugs? Nope, never done Class A drugs.
Have you ever stormed out in a huff in the middle of a meal? No. But I have watched with amusement while others have done so.
Have you ever slipped the waiter your phone number? No, but it has been asked for a few times. *preens*
Do you really pay attention when the waiter tells you the specials? Depends if I am somewhere new or not. If I have been there a few times I tend to know what I fancy. How dull.
Have you ever suspected the waiter or someone has tampered with your food? No. Am I hugely naive?
Have you ever met your waiter in the street, said hello, but not know where you knew him from? Not to my knowledge.
Do you get paranoid when the waiter takes your credit card? No. I am very careful about the places I let my card out of my sight. I prefer cash wherever possible.
Have you ever physically threatened the waiter? No! Although I did once threaten to break a customer's arms when I was a barmaid. They named a customer services award after me. Does that count?
Has the waiter ever physically threatened you? No.
Have you ever left a restaurant and had to go get something else to eat? No.
Have you ever reached for a slice of the waiters sugar loaf (bum)? Ugh. No. How trashy and inappropriate.
Have you ever felt the need to scream at somebody because of the noise coming from their children? Hell yes. But, being British I just do the "slightly raised eyebrows and sighing" thing instead.
Have you ever got the impression that the waiter was talking about you? Yes. In one place he walked into a pillar and dropped a full ice bucket because he was checking out my baps. I think it may have been mine and Mr WithaY's first proper date. Ahh, happy days.
Have you ever been so drunk in a restaurant, head like a rag doll and arms like lead, that you couldn't eat your meal? Not that I can remember.
Do you like your food to come "on a bed of..." something? On a bed of more food please.
Do you panic or become slightly worried when your credit card is being processed even though you know there is cash in your account? Sometimes, if it takes ages.
Have you ever pointed at the menu to tell the waiter what you want because you couldn't pronounce what it was? Heh, yes. In an Indonesian restaurant in Amsterdam, for example.
Have you ever done something so really embarrassing in a restaurant that you cant go back? Yes.
Have you ever seen the waiter pick his nose or scratch his bum or fiddle with his armpits during a meal? Did this make you feel sick? No, but yes, it would do I expect.
Have you ever told the waiter you hated your food in order to get discount but really you loved it? No.
Have you ever taken a seat in a restaurant, looked at the menu, realised you are in over your head, been forced to come up with an excuse like "Oh sorry we just realised we have to pick up our kid", and beat a hasty retreat to the nearest Pizza Hut? Heh. No. But I have left without eating because the staff completely ignored us. That has happened a few times, and now I think about, always with the same person...Bestest Mate, you are a jinx!