In the office today, following an eventful drive across Salisbury Plain this morning. I know we are relatively lucky compared to the poor bastards in Hull, Tewkesbury, Worcester etc, but the roads round here are hovering between "big puddles a bit too close together" and "flooded".
What with the surface water, the rain and the huge amounts of spray, visibility was poor, to say the least. I ended up toddling along at 30mph behind one of those boxy, ridiculously underpowered little 1.3 pretend Transit vans for a bit.
As I have said before (many times I expect, I do go on), there are a lot of fuckwits on the roads these days.
Not me, of course.
My driving is without flaw. Except when I get too close to the car in front. And go a bit too fast on motorways sometimes. And pull out at mini roundabouts when nobody else seems willing to take the initiative. But apart from that.
Anyway. Other idiot drivers:
Some drive too fast.
Some drive too slow.
Some talk cheerfully on their mobile phones, ignoring both the danger and the fact it's ILLEGAL, fuckwits.
Some eat three course meals with one hand whilst attempting to keep control of their vehicle with the other.
Some have dogs/children/sheep* flailing around in the back of their vehicle, causing them to turn round and shout at them, usually on a blind bend or coming up to a busy junction.
Some are just annoyingly hairy. Or wearing stupid hats.
But the ones who annoy me the most (today, anyway) are the ones who think they have extra special secret magical powers, making them appear to other drivers despite the prevailing visibility and weather conditions.
Why don't these BASTARDS put their lights on?
One of them almost ran me off the road this morning. I was stuck behind the slow van, he was stuck behind me. I was waiting for the soon-to-appear straight bit of road which would allow us both to overtake without causing a massive pile-up.
He, however had other plans.
He drove so close up behind me that I thought he was trying to see what earrings I'm wearing today, then pulled out (no indicators obviously, to match his "no lights" fuckwittery). This was on a left hand bend (is that the one where the road bends to the left?) with no forward visibility of the road, so no idea what, if any, oncoming traffic there was.
Instead of thinking "Oops, I'm driving like a blind halfwitted baboon, I'd better put my foot down and get out of this dangerous situation," he just kept pace with me, driving on the wrong side of the road as we went round the corner.
I looked across at him in some dismay because he was totally oblivious to both his own danger, and the danger he had now put me and the van driver in as well. Gah.
I pulled back as far as possible from the van in front of me, because I could see that this was all going to end in tears.
Sure enough, an oncoming car (with no fucking lights on, idiot) appeared. Halfwit baboon boy on my right visibly panicked, swung his steering wheel hard to the left and screeched into the small gap I had made in front of me, behind the little van.
He very nearly lost control of his car so I helpfully blared the horn at him (first time in anger, hurrah) and shouted "You fucking twat!" at him. I think he got the gist, if not the whole message.
Anyway, he paused for a few moments, then pulled out (again no indicators, continuing with the ongoing fuckwittery theme), screeched past the van and hared off across the heavily waterlogged roads of Salisbury Plain.
I know it's uncharitable but I really, really wanted to come round a corner and see him upside-down in a field.
Sadly not the case. Today, at least.
It was a dark green saloon car. Like an old Cavalier or similar. If you are reading this, idiot boy, learn to drive.
And TURN YOUR FUCKING LIGHTS ON.
*really, seen cars with sheep in the back a few times