Monday, 18 August 2008


Ok, due to popular demand*, I need to explain how the fantastic "Barbecue Carnage" diorama was created...

The torso and limbs are made from dried nectarine. Delicious and nutricious. The head is a grape, with pine nuts for eyes. Disturbingly, when you pushed one eye in, the other one bulged out. It was like watching a hideous low-budget horror flick.

The hair, which I am especially pleased with, is a prune. Mr WithaY came up with that. He was watching me assemble my masterpiece on the sitting room table (we don't get out much) and exclaimed "A prune wig! You could make a prune wig!"

We laughed out loud with glee.

We need to get out a lot more.

The mouth is a sliver of dried cherry. The rest of the cherry was delicious, by the way.

The scattered currants represent the barbecue coals, blown clean out of the barbecue by the force of the fatal explosion, caused by a can of lighter fuel, dropped into the flames by accident.

I like how the tomato puree gore clearly shows the terrible effect of the explosion.

I might sell instructions so you can try it yourself in the privacy of your own homes.

My favourite part of the whole event was after I had put all the bits back in the kitchen, and Mr WithaY waddled** in there to find a snack.

He came out crucnhing something, looking faintly dismayed. He held up the latter half of whatever it was he'd been eating, and glared at me. "This is an uncooked prawn cracker, isn't it?" he asked me, waving it about accusingly.

It's not my fault if the raw materials of genius are left innocently in the kitchen.

I mean, dried fruit, yes. Grapes, yes. Pine nuts, yes. Raw prawn crackers, no. They look like mother-of-pearl and smell of prawns. That, to me, is not appetising.

Not when there are prunes nearby, at least.

*One slightly bewildered email

**His legs are still sore from the sponsored walk. He's walking like a gorilla, a low crouching shuffle, making "ooh ooh ooh" noises as he goes. I have to leave the room to laugh.


Slyde said...

that IS outstanding! i wish i have ANY kind of culinary skills...

B.E. Earl said...

Whoa...raw prawns. Blech!

And I have been known to dabble in sushi, but that one kind of makes me sick.

livesbythewoods said...

Slyde, thank you. I am wondering if the Tate might offer me a residency.

Earl, the prawn crackers are dried, they look like discs made of plastic. You have to cook them in boiling hot oil for a few seconds to see them turn into the fluffy white grease-filled delicacy we all know and love.

Caro said...

I like your sculpture.

I wouldn't leave the room to laugh at my husband. Where's the fun in that?

livesbythewoods said...

Caro, you're right. Maybe I'll just refrain from pointing at the same time.

Jaywalker said...

Now. Two things.

Firstly, where is the prawn cracker element of your masterpiece? I have not spotted it.

Secondly, the Guardian has stolen my idea which is a very bad thing, BUT if you enter your piece in their derivative competition, you can win a hamper of vegetables on which to inflict further pain and suffering. I think you should.

livesbythewoods said...

jw, the prawn crackers originally formed part of a picnic table, but were rejected for adding confusion to the mix.

The Guardian are bastards. However. Vegetables. Hmmm.

Jaywalker said...

Quick! Entries close today! They are obviously desperate as they say they will feature the Marrowdile...

livesbythewoods said...

I emailed them a photo of my masterpiece and am waiting for the call to say that my vegetables are en route.