Horror story (PG)

We've been busy here today. Mr WithaY came home a day early from his dive trip to Plymouth so was at a bit of a loose end. And what does one do on a Sunday afternoon, when one is at a loose end?

This.



In response to Jaywalker's impassioned plea, he got busy.

I married a genius. A warped, disturbing genius, but a genius nonetheless.

And, because a stolen good idea is far better than having to go to all the bother of coming up with your own, a little photostory for you:

Tralalalalaaaaaaaaaa...happy little fishies out for a pleasant swim in tropical waters, enjoying the sunshine.



And hey, here are the guys! Guys! Hi! You're all out for a swim too? Excellent! Let's all mosey along together. Tralalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaa etcetera.



Tum te tum te tum....happy as can be, not a care in the wor.....uh-oh. Anyone else feel something really big swim by?



No? Must have been my imagination. Heh. Wow, what a great swim....what?? No! Fuck! Aieeeeee! Swim for it lads! Swim for your lives! Save yourselves!



Damn it! We never leave a man behind! Oh dear lord, look at it's TEETH! It's devouring Dave! Too late for me, but you can get away! Swim, lad, SWIIIIIIIM!!!



Bwahahahahaaaaaaaaa. My evil broccoli lure worked like a charm. Nom nom nom nom.




Thank you.

Explanation

Ok, due to popular demand*, I need to explain how the fantastic "Barbecue Carnage" diorama was created...

The torso and limbs are made from dried nectarine. Delicious and nutricious. The head is a grape, with pine nuts for eyes. Disturbingly, when you pushed one eye in, the other one bulged out. It was like watching a hideous low-budget horror flick.

The hair, which I am especially pleased with, is a prune. Mr WithaY came up with that. He was watching me assemble my masterpiece on the sitting room table (we don't get out much) and exclaimed "A prune wig! You could make a prune wig!"

We laughed out loud with glee.

We need to get out a lot more.

The mouth is a sliver of dried cherry. The rest of the cherry was delicious, by the way.

The scattered currants represent the barbecue coals, blown clean out of the barbecue by the force of the fatal explosion, caused by a can of lighter fuel, dropped into the flames by accident.

I like how the tomato puree gore clearly shows the terrible effect of the explosion.

I might sell instructions so you can try it yourself in the privacy of your own homes.

My favourite part of the whole event was after I had put all the bits back in the kitchen, and Mr WithaY waddled** in there to find a snack.

He came out crucnhing something, looking faintly dismayed. He held up the latter half of whatever it was he'd been eating, and glared at me. "This is an uncooked prawn cracker, isn't it?" he asked me, waving it about accusingly.

It's not my fault if the raw materials of genius are left innocently in the kitchen.

I mean, dried fruit, yes. Grapes, yes. Pine nuts, yes. Raw prawn crackers, no. They look like mother-of-pearl and smell of prawns. That, to me, is not appetising.

Not when there are prunes nearby, at least.



*One slightly bewildered email

**His legs are still sore from the sponsored walk. He's walking like a gorilla, a low crouching shuffle, making "ooh ooh ooh" noises as he goes. I have to leave the room to laugh.

Village Fete Competition

I have created an entry for the fantastic on-line Village Fete , taking place on your computer over the summer.

I call it "Barbecue Carnage".

It belongs in the Vegetable Carving Category.







Thank you.