Mr WithaY is out, wandering the wide open spaces of West Wiltshire, somewhere in the rain. Where can he be, I wonder?
Possibly sat in his Landrover stuck in a huge hole that even his mighty entrenching tool can't remedy?
Possibly up a tree, clinging to a branch with a pack of snarling stoats after his blood, desperately trying to get a signal on his mobile to call for an airstrike*?
Possibly sneakily shopping in Salisbury, buying me a fabulous Christmas present?
Possibly sat in someone else's kitchen, drinking tea and eating cake?
I have no idea. He'll be back eventually. Given his track record, I am always slightly apprehensive if he's gone for more than a few hours, but fingers crossed, eh.
I decided to Get Stuff Done, so went into town** and ran errands like a woman possessed. I have ordered us a turkey for Christmas from the local butcher. A free-range bronze, which sounds like it will be mighty tasty. As the butcher was filling in the order form I asked him "It'll be dead, will it?" He looked up at me for a moment, not quite sure if I was joking, then said "No, madam, but it will be in a box. You'll just need to get it out and kill it." He then did an exceptionally good mime of a man taking a live turkey out of a box, upside down. If he gives up butchering the man has a career in alternative theatre just waiting for him.
I bought Christmas cards. We decided this year we are not sending out hundreds of cards, but instead will make a donation to charity. Most of the cards we get are just "To Name and Name love from Name and Name (and Name and Name and dog.)" I always try to write a message in every card, because otherwise it seems like a bit of a waste of time, to be honest. Anyway, we will send out some cards, but far fewer than we usually do. I will have to make more of an effort and actually ring people to talk to them.
I went to Lidl. Ahhhhhh Lidl. What a great shop. You can get anything in there, if you turn up on the right day. Today they were offering electronic keyboards, brioche pans (I bought one), slippers in a huge range of styles and sizes but only one colour*** and a drummer's stool. A seat, I mean. For sitting on. Oh, and a nice little wooden cabinet with a glass-inlaid door. Well, that's what I thought it was. Turns out it is a box to keep tea bags in, but I like my idea better. Anyway, I bought one. I can't resist their weird bargains.
I bought a couple of bottles of their Champagne which is usually not half bad, and some cheap brandy as the Christmas cake has finished all ours. Greedy bloody cake that it is. I swear it's started moving around the kitchen on its own, rummaging through the cupboards and mocking my crockery.
Where else...Ah yes.
I went to Argos, as we needed a new iron**** and I can't be arsed with looking at stuff in electrical shops for hours. All the Argos catalogues were open at the Wii pages, which I thought was funny. I left a few open at the Ironing Accoutrement Pages so that people will think "Some poor bastard is in for a miserable Christmas present." Heh.
Other news: I have been learning to play the acoustic version of "Hey Ya", the Obadiah Parker version. Look it up on YouTube if you've never heard it. Lovely.
Oh, and a mate put me onto Jeff Healey, who (shamefully) I had never heard of. Disgraceful, I know. What an astonishingly talented man.
Unfortunately, though, when I see people who can play guitar like that it doesn't inspre me to become as good as them. I just think "Why do I even bother?" and think about selling all my guitars. I won't, but it is interesting to see exactly how uncompetitive I am in some areas. Whilst still being dreadfully, inappropriately competitive in others, of course.
Right. Time for a cup of tea. I love Saturdays.
*This one's my favourite idea.
****Rock and Roll, man! Rock and fucking roll.