Tuesday, 18 November 2008


Ah, another glorious week in the buzzing metropolis is well underway. And I am working at home tomorrow, so yay me. I amused myself on the train ride home tonight by:

a) Finishing my book. "The Suspicions of Mr Whicher: or the Murder at Road Hill House" by Kate Summerscale...most excellent.

b) Listening to AC/DC's new album Black Ice on my iPod. Am still really enjoying it.

c) Composing a list of public transport misdemeanours that should, at the very least, earn you a sharp whack on the nose with a rolled up copy of the Metro.

My list is still evolving, but so far it runs thus:

1) Having your iPod up so loud that I can hear it over the top of mine when you are sitting on the other side of the carriage to me. It is going to make you deaf, you selfish fuckwit, but more to the point, it is really, really annoying. And your choice in music sounds shite.

2) Reading and walking at the same time. I mean, come on. Are we all supposed to think you are a truly intellectual, really deep thinker, unable to bear interacting with the mass of humanity for even the time it takes to negotiate a set of stairs and a ticket gate? Not with that lowbrow action thriller clutched in your sweaty paw, you oaf. Put it away and look where you're going before you get accidentally pushed down an escalator.

3) Sneezing. Yes, I know everyone does it. But try and do it before you get onto the Tube. And for the sake of us all, use a tissue. Do NOT do what one especially disgusting oaf did last week, and sneeze all over your hands, then wipe the mess (and there was a lot of mess) onto the grab rail. Ugh. And ugh again.

4) Getting to the top of a crowded escalator and then just standing there, trying to decide if you want the Eastbound or the Westbound District Line. Yes you, tiny Japanese couple with huge cases. I am talking to you.

5) Grunting. It needs no further explanation. But if you are dozing on a train, and the woman next to you suddenly jabs you in the ribs and hisses "Stop that", that's why.

6) Looking like a nutter on a crowded platform when everyone is having to do that horrible impression of the pennies arcade game where you wait for them to push each other off the ledges and into the winning tray.

7) Eating delicious-smelling food. Especially, and I cannot stress this enough, when it is half past seven at night, I haven't eaten since noon, and I am still an hour away from my supper. You fat greedy pie-eating bastard.

I daresay I will add more. And hey, feel free to join in.


Mr Farty said...

Mmmm, eating pie on the train. Yum.

Not that I've ever done that, but one time I had to do some work from 6-8pm, so at 4:30 I left, went to the local chip-shop, bought a pie and chips and lots of "chippy sauce", then took it back to work and scoffed it. The looks of pure hatred I got - priceless.

Anonymous said...

Once had to spend an Hour on a bus sat behind a girl who for the whole of the journey would not leave her hair alone, constantly running her fingers through it, puffing it up, straightening it, CONSTANTLY, it was visually very annyoying and I wish I'd had scissors.

livesbythewoods said...

Mr F, you are an evil genius.

LBTT, maybe you should rub pie and "chippy sauce" into her hair next time.

justme said...

I once watched the woman sitting opposite me on the tube, spend the entire journey checking her child's head for nits....and FINDING some which she then squashed between her nails!!!! EEEEK!

livesbythewoods said...

Oh, that is truly disgusting. At least she didn't eat them, like a chimp.