Nothing is free...

In an annoying recent development, The Onion have decided to start charging non-US visitors to their website.  You can read 5 stories in any 30 day period, and after that you have to pay them about $3 a month. 

They can poke right off.

Yeah, you heard me, Onion. 

I shall get my top-notch news information via The Daily Mash from now on instead. 

Other news:  Went to Salisbury yesterday to meet bestest mate for lunch. All very pleasant.  My, aren't there a lot of tourists about, though?  I'd forgotten that about Salisbury.  Mr WithaY and I tend to pop in early-ish on a Saturday and be on our way home by the time most of the tour buses are arriving in town.

I might re-think my plan to go to Bath one day next week. Or at least, make sure I get there early if I do go.

Lonely heart

Ooh, I've had a v dodgy email via Facebook from "Anderson Brookes" who is apparently a widower with two young sons. He wants us to be friends, at least to begin with. 

He doesn't sound at all like some random scammer, and I will be emailing him my credit card details later today.

He's from Ontario, according to his (almost blank) Facebook profile, but I have a feeling he's really in Nigeria, or possibly China. 

Fuckwit.

Something fishy

I've had a very exciting offer arrive in my email.   It is from the "Saudi Embassy in Philippines", and it goes like this:

"Last Gift

I am Dr Michael Law, a diagnosed cancer woman on bed is willing to donate her funds to help you as her last gift from God.  reply to dr.michaellaw1@9.cn "

Before I compose my reply, let's examine this more closely.

From the Saudi Embassy...hints at there being some fabulously weathy Arab involved.  I like this already.  In the Philippines, though.  Hmm, possibly one of the less affluant Saudis, then.  Possibly disappointing.  Not to dismiss it too soon, though, let's read on. 

"Last Gift" is a nice title.  Almost like a short story, or possibly a daytime movie starring someone who used to be in Dynasty, or Little House on the Prairie.  Or Felicity Kendall.  It has promise.  Provokes a warm feeling in my heart. 

The sharp inquiring feeling between my ears remains, however.  Let us continue the analysis.

Dr Michael Law, a name to inspire confidence.  Trust.  It's reassuring.  And he's a doctor, even better.  Doesn't say what he is a doctor of, mind.  Medicine?  Political science?  Media studies?  Is it a made-up Internet doctorate that you can buy for £20 and a bit of form-filling?  Is he, in short, someone I would allow to perform any kind of medical procedure on me?

The seeds of doubt are growing.

Then it gets even stickier.  "A diagnosed cancer woman." 

Sooo...she has been diagnosed with cancer?  Or diagnosed as being a woman?  Or diagnosed as someone  who was born in late June/early July?  Or maybe she has crabs? 

Be more specific, Dr Law, my sympathy and interest are dwindling.

But wait..."on bed."  Ahahaha.  She is on bed.  That makes all the difference.  However, again we are left to wonder.  Is it a hospital bed?  A vegetable bed?  The sea bed?  Details, man, details.

Then comes the crux of the matter. 

This crab-infested woman lying out in the garden among the cabbages wants to "donate her funds" to me for no reason whatsoever.  How nice of her.  I assume that "donate her funds" isn't a euphamism. 

Well, Dr Law, here's what I suggest you do.  Get her to transfer all of "her funds" into a British bank account, and then email me with the details.  Have her sign over authority to access that bank account to me, notarised by a professionally qualified and legally certified lawyer with a current license to practice law in England, and I will pick up the funds when I have time.

Thanks.

Oh, and the email address - Chinese, I think?  Idiot.

Eye, eye, eye

I think my blog is being stalked by a semi-literate optician.  First they posted a comment, calling themselves "Opticians Eye Test":
 
Eye exams are not designed to supersede contact lenses or eyeglasses. This exam is designed to monitor on your vision. It's something that people normally overlook but it should be considered seriously by every individual who care about their vision.


Thanks for sharing..

I particularly like the "thanks for sharing" at the end there.  I use that expression a lot when I am being sarcastic. I wonder if they are too. 

I am certainly an individual who care about my vision.  Even more so, now I have a weird optician telling me off about it.  I am also an individual who care about grammar. 


Anyhoo, a few weeks later they added another comment on the same post, this time calling themselves simply "Optician".  Very mysterious.  Sounds like a villain in a Marvel comic.  One who forcibly corrects your vision then charges you £300 for new glasses.  The evil bastard. 

Nowadays contact lenses are comfortable for longer periods and can be worn all day. Some contact lens can even be slept in, that mean we don't have to worry about taking them out before we go to bed. I think it is important to visit genuine optician regularly.

Clearly they haven't grasped the concept of a blog being updated now and again.  I wonder if they will be commenting on the same post forever. 

I might investigate getting a contact lens that can be slept in.  I bet it would be really comfy, plus I could do the Dita Von Tees champagne glass routine in it. 

I've not encountered the idea that there are "genuine" opticians and "fake" opticians before.  Interesting.  I have never seen a dodgy back-street optician with a card table covered in eye examination cards, his mate keeping a lookout out for the law while he tests your eyes shoddily. 

"Yeah mate, look at this card.  See it?  Yeah?  Ok.  That'll be £300.  Cheers."

If you buy glasses from them, do they fall apart after an hour, the lenses fogging over, the screws pinging into remote corners, the arms tangling in your hair forever? 

Are the contact lenses he supplies really milk bottle tops with a hole poked through the middle? 

I think the BBC should do one of their hard-hitting investigative documentaries on this.   We need to know.

I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky

I checked my livesbythewoods email earlier, and to my astonishment and delight I saw this! Who'd have though it!

I'm off out to sort out a new shoebox to go under the bed to put all this money in. Well, you can't trust banks these days.



With due respect:
I am Barrister Rahaali.Musa, the financial attorney of Late Mr. Morris Thompson in Burkina Faso.
My late client has a Dormant Account with a huge amount of Money Valued $60 Million USD (Sixty Million Dollars only) with (B.S.I.C.) Bank Burkina Faso, he died in a plane crash with his entire family, you can read more news about the crash by visiting this website; http://www.cnn.com/2000/US/02/01/alaska.airlines.list/.
If your are interested to run this deal with me by using your bank account to receive this fund as his next of kin, then I shall provide you with more details on how we shall proceed legally for immediate transfer of this fund into your bank account.
Meanwhile 40% of this total amount will go for you as my partner for your full corporation and 60% will be for me, if you are interested for this deal get back to me for more details

Regards Yours Barrister Rahaali.Musa


I would be interested to know which airline runs flights between Burkina Faso and Alaska though. Can't be a big holiday route, surely?