I've had a very exciting offer arrive in my email. It is from the "Saudi Embassy in Philippines", and it goes like this:
I am Dr Michael Law, a diagnosed cancer woman on bed is willing to donate her funds to help you as her last gift from God. reply to email@example.com "
Before I compose my reply, let's examine this more closely.
From the Saudi Embassy...hints at there being some fabulously weathy Arab involved. I like this already. In the Philippines, though. Hmm, possibly one of the less affluant Saudis, then. Possibly disappointing. Not to dismiss it too soon, though, let's read on.
"Last Gift" is a nice title. Almost like a short story, or possibly a daytime movie starring someone who used to be in Dynasty, or Little House on the Prairie. Or Felicity Kendall. It has promise. Provokes a warm feeling in my heart.
The sharp inquiring feeling between my ears remains, however. Let us continue the analysis.
Dr Michael Law, a name to inspire confidence. Trust. It's reassuring. And he's a doctor, even better. Doesn't say what he is a doctor of, mind. Medicine? Political science? Media studies? Is it a made-up Internet doctorate that you can buy for £20 and a bit of form-filling? Is he, in short, someone I would allow to perform any kind of medical procedure on me?
The seeds of doubt are growing.
Then it gets even stickier. "A diagnosed cancer woman."
Sooo...she has been diagnosed with cancer? Or diagnosed as being a woman? Or diagnosed as someone who was born in late June/early July? Or maybe she has crabs?
Be more specific, Dr Law, my sympathy and interest are dwindling.
But wait..."on bed." Ahahaha. She is on bed. That makes all the difference. However, again we are left to wonder. Is it a hospital bed? A vegetable bed? The sea bed? Details, man, details.
Then comes the crux of the matter.
This crab-infested woman lying out in the garden among the cabbages wants to "donate her funds" to me for no reason whatsoever. How nice of her. I assume that "donate her funds" isn't a euphamism.
Well, Dr Law, here's what I suggest you do. Get her to transfer all of "her funds" into a British bank account, and then email me with the details. Have her sign over authority to access that bank account to me, notarised by a professionally qualified and legally certified lawyer with a current license to practice law in England, and I will pick up the funds when I have time.
Oh, and the email address - Chinese, I think? Idiot.