I've been looking at some of the search terms people have used to get to my blog. Many of them are as you might expect - "home made cake," "lives in the woods," "extraordinarily talented unpublished authors of the twenty-first century" - but some are just utterly pure genius bonkers.
Elven tea. As far as I know I have never offered recipes for any elven food or beverages, certainly not tea. Perhaps I ought to start a cookery suggestions section for all the non-human races. Elven tea. Gnome quiche. Orc battenburg. Troll eclairs. Fairy cakes. Heh. I do remember ranting about the bastard elves in Iceland who threaten to break your legs if you upset them. Maybe that's what they were looking for.
god for harry. Marvellous. I am attracting semi-literate people who are keen on Shakespeare. Or Kenneth Branagh. Or who are frantically researching Henry V for their homework, up against a deadline. Either way, hello, non-capitalising culture fans. Bet this wasn't what you were looking for, eh?
have a proper cold. I like that this sounds like an order. For goodness sake, stop sniffling and whining and just have a proper cold, can't you? Sheesh. No, blood pouring from your ears doesn't count. Nor does the broken bone poking through your shin. Come back when you have a temperature, blocked sinuses and a red shiny nose, not before. Timewaster.
Yellow circles malta bird intrigues me. I can't imagine what that person is looking for. If it was you, please drop a comment and tell me. I bet you were mighty pissed off when all you found were photos of my terrible tie-dyed sheets and some holiday snaps of Malta. Fool.
Dalek blown up toilet seat is another mystery. Dalek, yes. Toilet seat, yes. Both of those subjects have made at least one appearance on here. Both together? Unlikely. Mental.
Extra long honkers. This one made me laugh out loud, and I Googled it myself. All I found out was that it refers to one of the magazines read by Scruffy the Janitor in Futurama, along with "Zero G Juggs." Don't say you never learn anything here. It could also possibly be referring to the many and varied duck/goose decoy honkers which I have commented on in the past. However, I prefer to imagine disappointed cartoon porn magazine seekers finding this blog, and becoming interested in cake and car problems despite themselves.
Look, the hilarious picture of honkers that I took waaaaaay back when we were in Maine last summer, remember? Yeah you do.
In other news: Business plans are gathering pace, to the extent that I am going to be in touch with an accountant next week. More news once stuff is signed. But it's all very exciting.