Census tales

When I was at Centerparcs, one of the girls brought along a copy of their local paper.  My eye was caught by this story.

For those of you who can't be arsed to click the link, it's about a woman who decided to set fire to her Census form as a protest to the Government. 

The article begins with some rather inarticulate framing of her grievances - she is something to do with Fathers For Justice - but she seems to have got a bit over-excited at the prospect of being interviewed: 

“If the Government doesn’t recognise me and the parents I represent, then it doesn’t recognise us as a citizen so I won’t be counted. I will continue my campaign of non-compliance against the state and holding the Government to account. There is a chance I will be prosecuted and they will try and make an example of a few people but this lady is not for turning.”

I particularly like her loss of syntax in the first sentence and the Mrs Thatcher semi-quote later on.  I can imagine her bouncing up and down, lighter at the ready as the reporter tries to get all this down for posterity.

Her plan was to ignite her Census form in the middle of the marketplace, while the local MP looked on in impotent horror, possibly hammering on his office windows, shouting "Noooooooooo!"

"Saturday morning’s census form burning was designed to bring the matter to the attention of Andover MP Sir George Young and give it wider public recognition."

It didn't go to plan.

"In the event the ceremonial flames failed to flare very much as the census form is seemingly made from a fire resistant material, the MP was not looking out the Guildhall window at the time although a few market traders looked on."

I just love - LOVE - that laconic word "Seemingly."  And, oh yeah, he wasn't even watching. Perhaps next time she should blow a horn or something first, make sure she has Sir George's full attention before she tries and fails to set fire to a bit of paper. 

A friend who was at Centerparcs (another friend, not the one who brought the newspaper with this gem in it) was doing some temporary work for the Office of National Statistics, conducting post-Census interviews in a particular area of Oxfordshire a little while ago.  She said she was supposed to visit every single house in a specific postcode area, knock on the door, and try to get the occupant to take part in a survey to follow up on what was in the Census.

She told us about one row of cottages, each one occupied by a crazy person, but each crazy in a different way.  She had us agog, listening to her stories of weeping women and slightly too security-conscious older men, but the climax was this one.

She knocked on the door of one cottage, and could hear the occupant moving around inside. There was no answer, so she knocked again.  Apparently the ONS people are supposed to try for 10 consecutive days to get a reply, so she wasn't daunted.  After another, louder knocking, the occupant shouted "Who is it?"

"Hello!  I'm from the Office of National Statistics!" my friend replied cheerily.  She had to shout through the letterbox, most undignified.

"What do you want?" bellowed the occupant.

"I'm here to ask you to take part in a follow-up survey, to confirm the Census form.  It's entirely voluntary."  She said she heard him walk to the front door, and then the bolts and locks being opened.

Imagine her horror when a large man, wearing a Guantanamo Bay style orange jumpsuit yanked the door open and glared at her.  It didn't help that his face was traversed by a series of large, nasty-looking fresh scratches.

My friend said she backed away involuntarily.

"Oh yes?" said the scary scratched man.  Then, leaning forward he bellowed into my friend's face "WELL I'M NOT DOING IT!" and slammed the door shut. 

She said that one was marked down as "Declined to take part" on the form.

Kebab

As news stories go, this one is pretty splendid:


Frozen 18kg kebab stolen from Trowbridge takeaway


Astonishingly, it's not from our local paper, either...it's from the BBC website.  Honest.  Take a look. 


The description of the kebab made me snort tea out of my nose.  No charge for that image, blog fans.


"How big was the kebab, sir?  We need a description for the Wanted posters."


"Hmm...pretty big, officer.  Yeah, pretty big, I'd say."


"Pretty big?  Can you be more specific at all, sir?"


"It was massive.  And made of meat."


"Massive...meat...  Ok, sir, got that.  Anything else?  Any distinguishing features?"


"Let me think...it was sort of meat-coloured I suppose.  And massive.  Did I already say that?"


"Yes, you did, sir."


"Oooh!  It had a metal skewer through it.  A massive one.  Metal coloured."


"Excellent, thank you sir.  We'll get that description out immediately.  If you receive a ransom demand, please let us know."


I also love the idea that people might be offered "kebab meat in suspicious circumstances."   You mean, other than at 2am from a food-vending caravan staffed by a sweaty man who has giant vats of chilli sauce close at hand?

Newspaper review

The local paper has been most informative of late.

Outcry Over Regalia Cost is a story all about the mayor having a new chain of office, and people getting grumpy because it will be expensive.  Over £1,200 to be exact.  That's a lot of chain.  But there's more to it than that...  The mayor has asked for a new chain because the old one is too heavy.  She wants "a lighter chain attached to a collar,"  a request which has provoked "fury" from some of her colleagues.  One of them was quoted as saying "People in the town have heard what has happened...and are furious.  The Westbury online forums are full of comments."

Excellent.

That should stop those pesky chain-buyers...a bunch of ranting Westbury dwellers on a variety of forums (fora?  forii?) arguing the toss in cyberspace.  Yeah.

The thing that has particularly caught my attention, other than the idea that a good pet shop could probably provide a nice light collar and chain for about £12, is the fact that there is more than one forum for the people of Westbury to vent their fury on.  Who'd have though it?

Historic Monocle Unearthed makes you think there's an Indiana Jones-stylee story coming, maybe involving the undead guardians of some forgotten tomb, or a bunch of fanatical ninja priest warriors, all sneaking round West Wiltshire in pursuit of the Monocle of Doom.  But no.  It's a bit of photography kit used by William Fox Talbot, "found" at Lacock Abbey, where he lived and worked.  So not so much "unearthed" as "moved a few things and there it was, right where he left it. "  How disappointing. 

Post Office To Fish Shop Plan is a collection of words which, when put together, make no sense whatsoever.  When you read the supporting paragraph, all becomes clearer.  It's a planning application.  Dull.

Other headlines to spark mental images:

Pavement to be widened
Thief Disturbed
Bingo Fun
Census Plea
Accordian Night
Spinning Fun
Historians Meet

This week, though, the prize for "non news item" goes to this, which I make no apology for repeating in full:

Parked car block.  A poorly-parked Honda 4x4 blocked Kingsfield in Bradford-on-Avon from 10am for several hours on Friday before being towed away by police.

Fantastic.

Wiltshire.  Where no news really is good news.

Other news:  We had a call from the police this afternoon.  The thieving bastards who robbed the garage at the weekend have pleaded guilty to the charges and are due to be sentenced in the Crown Court soon.  Excellent.  The police rang to thank us and to say that "your call was extremely valid" which was nice of them.  Also the lovely people at the garage have given us some wine as a thank you for being helpful and community-spirited. 

I think we should get capes and masks.

And utility belts.

Heffer

Was looking at the bbc website earlier and spotted a story* about a "dangerous heffer" loose in Darlington. I read the whole thing, and the word "heffer" appeared several times.

Hm, I thought. I wonder if that's a regional spelling, or a farm term I am unfamiliar with. I looked it up on www.dictionary.com, and it doesn't exist.

Just checked the story again, and it now appears that a dangerous heifer is on the loose.

So, two deadly bovine assassins, one of them presumably in a brocade dressing gown and slippers, smoking a pipe.

*http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/6916900.stm Sorry, crap link. I will learn how to do it tidily, I promise.