The local paper has been most informative of late.
Outcry Over Regalia Cost is a story all about the mayor having a new chain of office, and people getting grumpy because it will be expensive. Over £1,200 to be exact. That's a lot of chain. But there's more to it than that... The mayor has asked for a new chain because the old one is too heavy. She wants "a lighter chain attached to a collar," a request which has provoked "fury" from some of her colleagues. One of them was quoted as saying "People in the town have heard what has happened...and are furious. The Westbury online forums are full of comments."
Excellent.
That should stop those pesky chain-buyers...a bunch of ranting Westbury dwellers on a variety of forums (fora? forii?) arguing the toss in cyberspace. Yeah.
The thing that has particularly caught my attention, other than the idea that a good pet shop could probably provide a nice light collar and chain for about £12, is the fact that there is more than one forum for the people of Westbury to vent their fury on. Who'd have though it?
Historic Monocle Unearthed makes you think there's an Indiana Jones-stylee story coming, maybe involving the undead guardians of some forgotten tomb, or a bunch of fanatical ninja priest warriors, all sneaking round West Wiltshire in pursuit of the Monocle of Doom. But no. It's a bit of photography kit used by William Fox Talbot, "found" at Lacock Abbey, where he lived and worked. So not so much "unearthed" as "moved a few things and there it was, right where he left it. " How disappointing.
Post Office To Fish Shop Plan is a collection of words which, when put together, make no sense whatsoever. When you read the supporting paragraph, all becomes clearer. It's a planning application. Dull.
Other headlines to spark mental images:
Pavement to be widened
Thief Disturbed
Bingo Fun
Census Plea
Accordian Night
Spinning Fun
Historians Meet
This week, though, the prize for "non news item" goes to this, which I make no apology for repeating in full:
Parked car block. A poorly-parked Honda 4x4 blocked Kingsfield in Bradford-on-Avon from 10am for several hours on Friday before being towed away by police.
Fantastic.
Wiltshire. Where no news really is good news.
Other news: We had a call from the police this afternoon. The thieving bastards who robbed the garage at the weekend have pleaded guilty to the charges and are due to be sentenced in the Crown Court soon. Excellent. The police rang to thank us and to say that "your call was extremely valid" which was nice of them. Also the lovely people at the garage have given us some wine as a thank you for being helpful and community-spirited.
I think we should get capes and masks.
And utility belts.
Showing posts with label lack of news. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lack of news. Show all posts
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
Saturday, 28 August 2010
News of the week
I was reading the local paper this morning, over a refreshing breakfast* of bacon, eggs and baked beans. Always full of interesting things, the local paper.
If The Framley Examiner went bust, I reckon my local paper would be in the running to replace it.
Top headlines this week:
Town Hall Tidy Up. An in-depth expose about how the town hall needed to be tidied up. A start has been made by a group of volunteers who have already "removed rubbish from offices...and cleaned the carpets." Phew. I hope next week we hear about the windows being washed and the bins emptied.
Advice From Local Travel Expert. A local travel agent is giving people advice about, well, travel. I wonder if Deanna Troi is a reporter on this paper. "Captain, I am sensing the bleedin' obvious..."
Yes to Flats. Some flats will be built. I was wondering about that myself. This is in addition to the regular feature on planning decisions, where we all get to read about who had their planning application approved and who had theirs rejected. This usually leads to conversations with the neighbours along the lines of "Well, I thought they were pushing it, asking for a new conservatory...that's a listed building, isn't it?" and endless speculation about why they need a garage that size anyway**. Oh, and it's about bloody time those trees were cut down, they're dangerous.
Burglary Halts Broadcast is one of those stories that you have to read, just to understand the headline. Sadly, it wasn't about the local radio station DJ being stolen away mid-show, leaving a lot of dead air time until he was found dumped in a garden half a mile away. No, much more mundane. The transmitter was stolen. Much less exciting, but probably harder to replace than a DJ. And easier to sell for scrap.
Longleat Keeper Becomes Mum To Otter Pups led me down a line of thought that was rather unsavoury. Who's the father? Will she be breast feeding? Was it a water birth? Will her child support be paid in fish?
It turns out, on closer inspection of the story, that she is a foster mother. Aaaaah. That makes more sense. Too weird, otherwise, even for Wiltshire.
Talking of weird...
Warminster, The Final Frontier details the recent Weird Weekend, held in town, where people who are keen on UFOs, the paranormal, space aliens, the X Files, anal probing*** and ghosts all get together to discuss it. I imagine there are a lot of unresolved issues. Nobody can ever say definitively "Well, I KNOW this is true." Must make arguments go on forever. There are photographs of the convention goers, most of them clutching self-published books about their pet subjects and looking cheerful.
There are several pages of exam results, because, as we all know, names sell local papers. My favourite story this week is:
Cow Trapped In Ditch. Yes, it's a headline. Once I stopped laughing and actually read the whole article, I learned that the unfortunate animal "was stuck upside down in a ditch near the Co-Op store."
Upside down? Was someone reversing it, and got the back hoof stuck in the ditch, and overturned it? Why was it near the Co-Op? Had it nipped out for some milk? Unlikely, I'd suggest.
The story reports that several fire crews came to rescue it, using a sling to get it out. Not though, the kind of sling where they fling it into the next county. More like a hoist, I suppose. But the best part? It was trapped in a "four foot ditch". A two foot ditch could have trapped a chicken, maybe, or even a person, but a four foot ditch? That's for quadrupeds only.
I love living here.
*Well, lunch really, but I feel less slovenly if I pretend it was breakfast
**Unless it's our mate who is assembling an aircraft in his - we all know he needs a big garage for that.
***Aliens always seem to do that, apparently. Why?
If The Framley Examiner went bust, I reckon my local paper would be in the running to replace it.
Top headlines this week:
Town Hall Tidy Up. An in-depth expose about how the town hall needed to be tidied up. A start has been made by a group of volunteers who have already "removed rubbish from offices...and cleaned the carpets." Phew. I hope next week we hear about the windows being washed and the bins emptied.
Advice From Local Travel Expert. A local travel agent is giving people advice about, well, travel. I wonder if Deanna Troi is a reporter on this paper. "Captain, I am sensing the bleedin' obvious..."
Yes to Flats. Some flats will be built. I was wondering about that myself. This is in addition to the regular feature on planning decisions, where we all get to read about who had their planning application approved and who had theirs rejected. This usually leads to conversations with the neighbours along the lines of "Well, I thought they were pushing it, asking for a new conservatory...that's a listed building, isn't it?" and endless speculation about why they need a garage that size anyway**. Oh, and it's about bloody time those trees were cut down, they're dangerous.
Burglary Halts Broadcast is one of those stories that you have to read, just to understand the headline. Sadly, it wasn't about the local radio station DJ being stolen away mid-show, leaving a lot of dead air time until he was found dumped in a garden half a mile away. No, much more mundane. The transmitter was stolen. Much less exciting, but probably harder to replace than a DJ. And easier to sell for scrap.
Longleat Keeper Becomes Mum To Otter Pups led me down a line of thought that was rather unsavoury. Who's the father? Will she be breast feeding? Was it a water birth? Will her child support be paid in fish?
It turns out, on closer inspection of the story, that she is a foster mother. Aaaaah. That makes more sense. Too weird, otherwise, even for Wiltshire.
Talking of weird...
Warminster, The Final Frontier details the recent Weird Weekend, held in town, where people who are keen on UFOs, the paranormal, space aliens, the X Files, anal probing*** and ghosts all get together to discuss it. I imagine there are a lot of unresolved issues. Nobody can ever say definitively "Well, I KNOW this is true." Must make arguments go on forever. There are photographs of the convention goers, most of them clutching self-published books about their pet subjects and looking cheerful.
There are several pages of exam results, because, as we all know, names sell local papers. My favourite story this week is:
Cow Trapped In Ditch. Yes, it's a headline. Once I stopped laughing and actually read the whole article, I learned that the unfortunate animal "was stuck upside down in a ditch near the Co-Op store."
Upside down? Was someone reversing it, and got the back hoof stuck in the ditch, and overturned it? Why was it near the Co-Op? Had it nipped out for some milk? Unlikely, I'd suggest.
The story reports that several fire crews came to rescue it, using a sling to get it out. Not though, the kind of sling where they fling it into the next county. More like a hoist, I suppose. But the best part? It was trapped in a "four foot ditch". A two foot ditch could have trapped a chicken, maybe, or even a person, but a four foot ditch? That's for quadrupeds only.
I love living here.
*Well, lunch really, but I feel less slovenly if I pretend it was breakfast
**Unless it's our mate who is assembling an aircraft in his - we all know he needs a big garage for that.
***Aliens always seem to do that, apparently. Why?
Monday, 11 August 2008
Water on the brain
I can't believe it's still raining. I am sick and tired of this bloody weather. Time to emigrate somewhere with blue skies, warm sunshine and friendly simple people. Like, oh, the summer of 1976.
Drove home from work tonight through some incredible Wrath Of God rain, some of which may in fact have been hail.
Discovered in the course of the journey that my windscreen wipers are buggered, so need to get some new blades pronto.
We had a pretty quiet weekend, hence the slight blog hiatus. I sat down a couple of times to do a posting but couldn't think of anything even halfway interesting, so didn't bother. What a slacker.
Trouble is, as soon as I start to try and think of stuff to post, my mind goes blank.
Like now.
Drove home from work tonight through some incredible Wrath Of God rain, some of which may in fact have been hail.
Discovered in the course of the journey that my windscreen wipers are buggered, so need to get some new blades pronto.
We had a pretty quiet weekend, hence the slight blog hiatus. I sat down a couple of times to do a posting but couldn't think of anything even halfway interesting, so didn't bother. What a slacker.
Trouble is, as soon as I start to try and think of stuff to post, my mind goes blank.
Like now.
Monday, 17 March 2008
Immobile
Been under the weather today, so have done very little. Not something that normally stops me wittering on, I know, but I am not really feeling brilliant.
One thing that has contributed to the whole "not having a great day" - picked up a voice mail from my boss' boss' secretary asking me to call him "at my earliest convenience". Picked the message up at 6pm, it was left on my phone at 10 this morning.
Bollocks.
So, some explaining to do tomorrow. It's like living in the eighteenth century sometimes here.
Other news: Bugger all. Sorry.
One thing that has contributed to the whole "not having a great day" - picked up a voice mail from my boss' boss' secretary asking me to call him "at my earliest convenience". Picked the message up at 6pm, it was left on my phone at 10 this morning.
Bollocks.
So, some explaining to do tomorrow. It's like living in the eighteenth century sometimes here.
Other news: Bugger all. Sorry.
Sunday, 30 September 2007
Bones
So, apart from the horrors of the rugby, what else is new? Not a lot really. Cooked a damn fine roast dinner today, without burning myself, the food or the house down, which is encouraging.
Still got a cough, and have decided that I will go and see the doc if I still have it by the end of the week. It feels like there's something stuck in my throat, and I recollected that we had some superb mackerel* the other night. Maybe I have a little fish bone lodged in there somewhere.
Just like the Queen Mum, me.
Maybe the doc will deploy a flunky with a long pair of golden tongs to hoik it out.
The week ahead is looming menacingly. Sunday nights still feel like "back to school" nights, even though it's about 25 years since I was at school. Still, thanks to the mammoth ironing session yesterday (whilst watching the rugby, gah, fucking hell what a disaster) I have lots to wear.
So. Dull post, sorry. Still, on the bright side, it was short.
*line caught by Mr WithaY, no dolphins were harmed in the making of this meal
Still got a cough, and have decided that I will go and see the doc if I still have it by the end of the week. It feels like there's something stuck in my throat, and I recollected that we had some superb mackerel* the other night. Maybe I have a little fish bone lodged in there somewhere.
Just like the Queen Mum, me.
Maybe the doc will deploy a flunky with a long pair of golden tongs to hoik it out.
The week ahead is looming menacingly. Sunday nights still feel like "back to school" nights, even though it's about 25 years since I was at school. Still, thanks to the mammoth ironing session yesterday (whilst watching the rugby, gah, fucking hell what a disaster) I have lots to wear.
So. Dull post, sorry. Still, on the bright side, it was short.
*line caught by Mr WithaY, no dolphins were harmed in the making of this meal
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