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Mr WithaY is out, wandering the wide open spaces of West Wiltshire, somewhere in the rain.  Where can he be, I wonder? 

Possibly sat in his Landrover stuck in a huge hole that even his mighty entrenching tool can't remedy? 

Possibly up a tree, clinging to a branch with a pack of snarling stoats after his blood, desperately trying to get a signal on his mobile to call for an airstrike*? 

Possibly sneakily shopping in Salisbury, buying me a fabulous Christmas present? 

Possibly sat in someone else's kitchen, drinking tea and eating cake?

I have no idea.  He'll be back eventually.  Given his track record, I am always slightly apprehensive if he's gone for more than a few hours, but fingers crossed, eh. 

I decided to Get Stuff Done, so went into town** and ran errands like a woman possessed.  I have ordered us a turkey for Christmas from the local butcher.  A free-range bronze, which sounds like it will be mighty tasty.  As the butcher was filling in the order form I asked him "It'll be dead, will it?"  He looked up at me for a moment, not quite sure if I was joking, then said "No, madam, but it will be in a box.  You'll just need to get it out and kill it."  He then did an exceptionally good mime of a man taking a live turkey out of a box, upside down.  If he gives up butchering the man has a career in alternative theatre just waiting for him.

I bought Christmas cards.  We decided this year we are not sending out hundreds of cards, but instead will make a donation to charity.  Most of the cards we get are just "To Name and Name love from Name and Name (and Name and Name and dog.)"   I always try to write a message in every card, because otherwise it seems like a bit of a waste of time, to be honest.  Anyway, we will send out some cards, but far fewer than we usually do.  I will have to make more of an effort and actually ring people to talk to them. 

I went to Lidl.  Ahhhhhh Lidl.  What a great shop.  You can get anything in there, if you turn up on the right day.  Today they were offering electronic keyboards, brioche pans (I bought one), slippers in a huge range of styles and sizes but only one colour*** and a drummer's stool.  A seat, I mean.  For sitting on.  Oh, and a nice little wooden cabinet with a glass-inlaid door.  Well, that's what I thought it was.  Turns out it is a box to keep tea bags in, but I like my idea better.  Anyway, I bought one.  I can't resist their weird bargains. 

I bought a couple of bottles of their Champagne which is usually not half bad, and some cheap brandy as the Christmas cake has finished all ours.  Greedy bloody cake that it is.  I swear it's started moving around the kitchen on its own, rummaging through the cupboards and mocking my crockery.

Where else...Ah yes. 

I went to Argos, as we needed a new iron**** and I can't be arsed with looking at stuff in electrical shops for hours.  All the Argos catalogues were open at the Wii pages, which I thought was funny.  I left a few open at the Ironing Accoutrement Pages so that people will think "Some poor bastard is in for a miserable Christmas present."  Heh. 

Other news:  I have been learning to play the acoustic version of "Hey Ya", the Obadiah Parker version.  Look it up on YouTube if you've never heard it.  Lovely.

Oh, and a mate put me onto Jeff Healey, who (shamefully) I had never heard of.  Disgraceful, I know.  What an astonishingly talented man. 

Unfortunately, though, when I see people who can play guitar like that it doesn't inspre me to become as good as them.  I just think "Why do I even bother?" and think about selling all my guitars.  I won't, but it is interesting to see exactly how uncompetitive I am in some areas.  Whilst still being dreadfully, inappropriately competitive in others, of course. 

Right. Time for a cup of tea.  I love Saturdays. 




*This one's my favourite idea.

**Ha!

***Beige

****Rock and Roll, man!  Rock and fucking roll.