Medical notes

Welcome to the House of Many Ailments. 

Today, for your entertainment we can offer:

1)  Hideous racking coughs, often with choking and gasping.  The special extended remixed version also features a weak hand pressed to the sweat be-dewed forehead, fluttering eyes like a Victorian heroine dropping into a swoon, followed by effusive swearing.  "Fucking hell.  I am SICK of this FUCKING COUGH." 

Medical advice:  Try not to suffocate, hold onto something solid and wait for it to pass.  And cut down on the swearing. 

2)  Explosive sneezing.  For best effect this happens completely out of the blue, loudly, and for several minutes, leaving the sneezer exhausted and spume-speckled.  The other person in the house must shriek "Will you STOP DOING THAT!" once they recover from their shock. 

Medical advice:  Stay out of the blast radius and make sympathetic noises afterwards to try and mask the shouting you did initially. 

3)  Snot-related trauma.  This often follows the sneezing, and is exemplified by the victim having to run to the nearest box of tissues (we have them in almost every room in the house at the moment) and making noises which would only ever normally be heard in a film about alien slime monsters.  It's like a Giger drawing being interpreted through the medium of sound. 

Medical advice:  Stand clear and make sure there are plenty of tissues at strategic points throughout the house.  And wastepaper bins. 

4)  Headaches. These are vague and usually shortlived, but render the victim incapable of doing more than flopping weakly on the sofa and flicking savagely through the TV channels, hissing through their teeth at the paucity of quality entertainment available at 11am on a Wednesday.  

Medical advice:  Turn off the TV and suggest they take the recycling out.  Fresh air is good for headaches. 

5)  Aches and pains.  These come and go, depending on the level of interest in other stuff going on in the house at the time.  For example, whilst watching a good film, nothing.  All limbs are comfortable and fully-functional.  However, when pottering around in the kitchen, looking hatefully at the accumulated debris of the past ten days it is imperative to walk with bent knees, one hand pressed to the small of the back, shuffling like an aged chimpanzee with advanced gout. 

Medical advice:  The offer of a cup of tea and a mince pie can work wonders.

6)  Knife wounds.  Always at least one of these in the house at any given time.  The sufferer will move through the various behavioural stages of Panic, Dismay, Relief That It's Not Worse, Grouchiness, Forgetfulness and finally Bragging.  During the Forgetfulness stage there will be several incidents where the wounded appendage is knocked or bashed, causing the sufferer to swear and hop about. 

Medical advice:  Ice, pressure, elevation, tea, sympathy, exasperation and finally mockery.

And remember, always ask a trusted medical professional if things seem to be getting too dull.  They always have loads of gruesome anecdotes. 

The entertainment value of injuries may go down as well as up.